11 Reasons the Return of Mandatory Masks in Casinos is Awesome

The mandatory mask mandate is back in Las Vegas as of midnight on Thursday, July 29, 2021 (technically, 12:01 a.m. on July 30).

Masks will be required indoors whether one’s vaccinated or not (unless smoking, eating or drinking), and that includes casinos.

Thankfully, the fun doesn’t need to stop. Vegas has a lot of booze.

Rather than rant, we’ve decided to focus on the bright side of this unfortunte turn of events.

Here, then, are 11 reasons the return of masks to casinos is awesome. Just play along.

1. Masks Muffle Loud-Talkers

Loud-talkers are everywhere, and the prevalence of liquor in casinos only serves to make things worse. Enter masks. They not only serve to muffle loud-talkers, they also solve the issue of people who spit when they close-talk. Masks are god’s gift to the neurotic and we’re so glad they’re back.

2. Masks Mean Less Smiling Required

With masks, there’s much less pressure to smile. This is true for everyone, but it’s especially welcomed by casino employees whose job duties include pretending you’re funny and likeable. Most employees have perfected “smizing,” or smiling with their eyes, but masks still provide some effective camouflage. It’s worth noting masks make us focus on the eyes. It’s a well-known fact prolonged eye contact creates a sense of affinity, and affinity with, say, a bartender, often results in stronger pours. Masks for the win!

Las Vegas smizing
Here we go again.

3. Masks Filter Cigarette Smoke Stench

Casinos are popular with smokers, but cigarette smoke can be irksome to some guests. Masks do a decent job of filtering out the smell of cigarettes. At certain times, even when the mask mandates were dropped, we sort of wished we had one on. Side note: If you really dislike cigarette smoke, visit Park MGM. It’s smoke-free.

4. Masks Help Service Workers Talk About Us

Many casino, restaurant and bar customers turned into jerks during the pandemic. Folks in the service industry have no real way to fight back other than to talk shit about us. It’s so much easier to do that when we can’t see their lips! Service industry employees being able to discreetly trash-talk rude customers without being detected is a great perk of masks.

5. Masks Provide Cover for Unattractive People

Masks have been a godsend for those of us who are appearance-challenged, and we were a little disappointed when they went away for a minute. Masks even the playing field, and are especially beneficial to those with poor dental hygiene. Visitors from Southern States can again walk among us without shame, and we can’t wait to see our friends from the U.K. again. Please don’t send us angry e-mails. We kid because we love.

6. Masks Save Money

It’s pretty much common knowledge women saved a fortune on lipstick during the previous mask mandates. The savings mount when you consider the decreased need for breath mints toothpaste and shaving cream. The return of masks is a windfall, except for attractive women who rely on their looks to get free drinks in nightclubs. Poor them.

7. Masks Replace Black Out Curtains

Yes, most Las Vegas hotels have black out curtains, but they’re moot because masks can easily double as sleep masks. You’re welcome.

8. Masks Make Inexpensive Keepsakes

Forget keychains and fridge magnets, casino-branded masks make fun, inexpensive souvenirs. Visit the gift shop at your favorite Las Vegas casino for details. If you ask nicely, they might just give you one for free. Free advertising!

Bonus: Branded masks are a handy reminder of where your hangovers originated.

9. Masks Keep the Mask Industry Afloat

The mask manufacturing industry had a little freak-out when masks went away, but now they’ll be raking it in again. (Mask sales rose 24 percent leading up to the mandate being reinstated.) Mask-makers and retailers have bills to pay, just like the rest of us, and masks won’t be a thing forever. Probably.

10. Masks Give Us All Something to Talk About

Small talk is king in casinos, and everyone’s pretty much over talking about sports and the weather. Now, we have masks to spark conversation again. Masks are a gateway to passionate
discussions about a wide variety of topics including health, viral loads, politics, public policy and what morons people who don’t agree with us are.

Our thoughts go out to all the casino employees who have to cover up their moneymakers.

11. Um, Hello, Heists

Back in the day, masks were a big no-no in casinos, but now they’re mandated! If you’re planning to rob the vault shared by Bellagio, Mirage and MGM Grand, which definitely exists, you’re going to want to protect your identity. With a mask, your caper will be flawless and you’ll be able to escape with your anonymity intact. One more thing: You may want to hold onto your mask, as we understand there are a lot of close-talkers in federal prison.

We hope this list has helped you see the glass-half-full side of our exciting new mask mandate.

While the reinstated mandate is frustrating, we urge you to remember the folks enforcing it didn’t sign up to pester you about keeping your mask on. They’re not thrilled about the mandate, either, but they didn’t make the policy, so chill.

Outdoors. No mask required.

If we want to visit casinos, and we do, we need to mask up and be nice to each other.

If you’d prefer to not wear a mask, visit one of the outdoor attractions in or near Las Vegas, like Red Rock Canyon or Fremont Street Experience. Hit the pool. Rent a convertible and cruise The Strip.

Otherwise, masks are a thing again.

Remember, you don’t have to wear a mask when you’re drinking, so ABD (always be drinking). You’re welcome, again.