Shocker: Criss Angel’s “Amystika” to Close at Planet Hollywood

Just kidding about the “shocker” thing! Nobody’s surprised “Amystika,” Greek for “a big mistake,” closes Oct. 16, 2022.

The misguided money grab from beloved Strip magician Criss Angel has struggled since opening, and will apparently now go on the road, where it will also not sell tickets.

Just kidding about the “beloved” thing, too. You’re so gullible!

Shh. The word “flop” need ever be uttered, except in photo captions.

Confirmation of the show’s closure was posted on Criss Angel’s Instagram account.

At 6:00 p.m. on a Friday evening.

That’s what’s referred to in the public relations business as a “news dump.” You drop news on a Friday so it won’t be widely reported.

We, however, don’t take days off, so we’re reporting the crap out of this debacle. You’ll notice we didn’t use the word “flop.” We’re respectful like that.

Here’s the statement from Criss Angel’s people. Angel doesn’t do his own Instagram posts. If he does, he’s talking about himself in the third person, which we think is weird. For the record, we speak in the first person plural, smartass. Big difference!

Las Vegas shows live in an alternate universe where failures are actually incredible successes and bullshit reigns supreme.

Dollars to doughnuts, Angel will elaborate on the “unforeseen events” to media outlets he actually communicates with (the ones who say what he wants them to say without asking too many questions).

His usual line is something medical. He sometimes develops injuries when he’s trying to divert attention away from bad news. (He’s a magician, after all, and misdirection is used all the time in illusions.) That would be fine, but from what we recall of his show, Angel occasionally uses his child’s tragic medical challenges to get audiences on their feet so he can capture video to give the impression he’s getting a standing ovation. Which isn’t fine.

Our money’s on Criss Angel saying the show’s “recent unforeseen event” was the passing of Franco Dragone. The Cirque du Soleil visionary collaborated with Angel on “Amystika” and died on Sep. 30, 2022. There’s probably no connection between working with Criss Angel and passing away, so there’s no need to even bring it up.

We can just see Angel’s Instagram post now, “The passing of our dear friend Franco caused myself and our entire cast and crew to become overwhelmed with bereavement. Given that—and other big words we could not have spelled without the help of a personal assistant—we determined it was impossible for ‘Amystika’ to continue. In other words, it was God’s fault. You remember God. He’s the one who gave you the pandemic, during which I was forced to accept more than $13 million in government assistance that basically vanished into thin air. It’s important my legions of fans understand this is in no way meant to misdirect anyone from the fact my show tanked, because what idiot would mention one embarrassing thing to try and distract from another embarrassing thing? Also, please visit my Cablp restaurant in Moapa Valley.”

If the Dragone issue is raised, it would be ironic given industry rumors were Angel and Dragone had serious friction during development of the show. Let’s just say the two are on very different parts of the creativity spectrum, by which we mean Dragone had some.

Anyhoo, we are sad for all the performers in “Amystika,” none of whom were Criss Angel, apparently.

That’s right, it’s unclear if Criss Angel even appeared in this show. We don’t just use the term “money grab” willy-nilly, especially since we’re fairly sure “willy-nilly” hasn’t been used since 1956.

Despite our personal belief Criss Angel is a goofball, his “Mindfreak” show isn’t terrible. We’re confident “Mindfreak” is going to put that quote in their advertising.

No, we didn’t get to see “Amystika,” which we consider one of the greatest blessings of our life.

We have heard giant industrial fans blew garbage into the audience several times during the show.

Which, actually, serves as a pretty good metaphor for this mess.

With the closure of “Amystika,” we can now get back to wondering when “Bat Out of Hell” at Paris will suffer the same fate. Watch for a similar announcement soon.  Probably on a Friday.