Something Something XFL Something Vipers Something Something
Another day, another sportsball team for Las Vegas and it’s hard to imagine something about which we care less.
Due to it being a slow news day, we’re still going to share it.
The XFL, some sort of football league predicted to last upwards of six months, debuts on Feb. 18, 2023 and the Las Vegas team will be called the Vegas Vipers.
We are all excited about our new team until we read the blurb on the team’s Twitter page: “As blinding as the lights of the Vegas strip they call home. They and their fans have an instinct on when to go all in.”
It’s clear someone who has experienced a good number of head injuries wrote that copy.
Here’s the sizzle reel the Vegas Vipers shared to announce their name and logo.
The Vipers are as dazzling as the Vegas strip from which they hail. Moving with precision and instinct, they incapacitate anyone unlucky enough to move into their line of fire.#XFL2023 pic.twitter.com/55Z9K2024m
— Vegas Vipers (@XFLVipers) October 31, 2022
It’s worth noting the #XFL2023 hashtag has been used dozens of times, almost exclusively by the XFL and its teams.
Anyway, we are sure the Vegas Vipers will be a huge hit and the XFL will do the impossible by finding footing and becoming a huge financial success despite tons of history and facts pointing toward the opposite.
The new XFL has a Web site, apparently designed by high school kids to give them something cool to put on their resumes.
On the Vegas Vipers page, there’s a section called “Our Home.” It says “TBD.” Now is no time to obsess about trivial things like where the team is going to play! It’s time to celebrate yet another “professional” sports team in Las Vegas, because Las Vegas loves any sports, of any kind, including the kind where people slap each other into comas. No, really.
Somewhere between the NFL and slap fighting is flag football. We’re presumably getting that, too. Read more.
In some hopeful news, the head coach of the Vegas Vipers is Rod Woodson, which is possibly the best porn actor name, ever.
Woodson is a 17-year NFL veteran and Super Bowl Champion. He was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 2009. Yes, we knew all this off the top of our head, as we are a noted football expert.
The only other thing we know about the alleged XFL is it will have eight teams and the “league” is co-owned by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Another great porn actor name, come to think of it.
This is the third time the XFL has been attempted. This iteration of the XFL seems different, though, mainly because Vince Neil has no involvement whatsoever. Wait, that was the Arena Football League. Huge difference, probably.
Anyway, vipers are awesome. Nevada has five snake species, all vipers, the Sidewinder, Mohave, Speckled, Western Diamondback and Great Basin rattlesnakes. We are so much more interested in snakes than football, we probably should’ve written a story about rattlesnakes.
So, there’s your perfunctory reportage of the Vegas Vipers along with a prediction the XFL tanks again and we will take no joy in that because every sport has fans and we never like to see people disappointed, despite the fact they’re wasting their lives watching sports.
Seriously, read a book or something. Help baby ducklings across a busy intersection. Paint a landscape. Learn to juggle. Skim through some articles about chronic traumatic encephalopathy. Skip rocks on a pond. Feed the homeless. We know you haven’t read this far, but the point we’re making is enough sports, already.
Let’s get back to gambling and drinking and complaining about paper straws and the demise of buffets. You know, important things.