Dumbasses Kill Innocent Bat, Sue New York-New York Resort

A family visiting Las Vegas from Arizona discovered a bat in their room at New York-New York and proceeded to kill the animal with a shoe.

Now, the dingbats are suing New York-New York, and its owner, MGM Resorts. Because of course they are, and we are yet again one step closer to the collapse of civilization.

The incident happened in April 2022, and not a single media outlet has raised the question of why these morons killed a bat for no good reason. Would they have killed a manatee or hummingbird in their room? More importantly, why are you silently answering a rhetorical question?

We are definitely not trying to sway your opinion with this adorable bat generated by A.I.

Anyway, the lead bat-killer, Marcus Rucker, says he was awakened from sleep by a noise coming from the curtains in his family’s room at New York-New York.

Discovering the bat, Rucker killed the adorable creature, put it in a plastic cup and left it in a stairwell.

Despite the fact no one in the Rucker family was bitten, or came into contact with the bat, the family took it upon themselves to be tested for rabies.

The Ruckers were apparently acting on the advice of the Maricopa County Arizona Health Department, an organization we trust also recommends people wear beekeeper suits and chain mail in their everyday lives to avoid anything dangerous happening, ever.

After the fact, the Ruckers asked New York-New York for the bat. And you thought we were being a harsh for calling them “dumbasses.”

The bat had been disposed of, of course.

The family had no choice but to endure a rabies prevention procedure, despite the fact the odds of contracting rabies from a bat is similar to hitting Megabucks.

A fraction of one percent of bats have rabies in Nevada, according to experts and anyone with a brain. There has never been a recorded case of rabies magically jumping off a bat to infect humans. Bites and collisions are the culprits, neither of which happened in this episode.

The family is seeking more than $15,000 in damages (it’s always more, that amount is given to help determine where a case should be heard), which we assume MGM Resorts will pay just to get them to STFU.

We have thoughts.

First, the Ruckers were here for a volleyball tournament. We should ban all sports due to the potential danger involved.

Second, we sort of want to sue the Ruckers for animal abuse. When they lose the case, the punishments should include being compelled by the court to: 1) read more books and 2) grow testicles.

Third, we know rabies is serious, but it’s not really a thing in the U.S. Instances of rabies in humans is extraordinarily rare. The most recent cases of rabies, from bites, involved three people in 2021, and those were the first cases of human rabies in the U.S. in three years. There were only 89 reported cases of human rabies in the U.S. from 1960 to 2018.

Fourth, “Better safe than sorry” sounds good (especially to lawyers), but ask the bat how it feels about that cliche. The Ruckers’ lawsuit says the family “experienced severe and prolonged exposure to rabies.” There’s no evidence this is true, at all. The lawsuit also says the family is due compensation due to “pain, suffering, emotional distress, medical treatment, loss of wages, time away from work and/or school.” When we’re done banning sports, let’s ban lawyers. All due respect to any lawyers we may need after calling the Ruckers “boneheads,” “asshats” and “dumbasses,” two thirds of which we hadn’t even called them until this sentence.

If you ever find a living creature in your Las Vegas hotel room, put the shoe down and call the front desk. Hotel employees have seen it all, and they’re happy to help. The bottom line: Leave bats alone.

The world is a nutty place, but let’s not allow unwarranted fear to run our lives, especially when it results in the needless killing of an animal that’s simply trying to make its way to eat bugs attracted to the Luxor beam.

If you’re feeling sassy, gently apprehend the creature (don’t handle a bat bare-handed, obviously), take it outside and set it free. We’re the ones who have invaded their home, and we, presumably, are capable of higher thinking, such as reason and compassion.

In recent years, it’s fallen out of favor to use our evolved brains to assess risk as we navigate life.

You’ll be O.K.

You don’t have to blame (or sue) others for everything that happens.

You’ll be O.K.

Also, please don’t vote or have more kids or operate heavy equipment, Rucker family.

We have more to fear from lawyers than bats, all due respect.