Our 10 Most Popular Fake Las Vegas News Stories of 2013

What a wonderful year 2013 has been been for fabricated Las Vegas news. Here are our top 10 most popular fake news stories of the year, in no particular order. Other than by popularity. Which you would have known if you’d been reading more carefully.

10. Rio Las Vegas Pulls Controversial Toy From Gift Shop Shelves

After an unfortunate outbreak of norovirus at Rio Las Vegas, where about 100 people fell ill, we imagined what it would be like if the hotel’s gift shop carried a toy that looked a lot like the organism that sparked the outbreak.

We would totally buy this toy.

9. Insider Reveals Secrets of Slot Machine Names

There are lots of slot machines out there, and we’ve always wondered about how slot machines are named. Rather than spending a ton of time doing research and interviews, we decided to just make something up. It’s the Internet, after all.

Slot machine names
Welcome to the world of naming slot machines!

8. Las Vegas Casinos Try Shocking New Marketing Strategy

A gambling addiction is no laughing matter. Sorry, we always screw that up. A gambling addiction is sometimes a laughing matter. That’s what we meant.

Fun stops
We pride ourselves on straddling the razor’s edge of awkwardness.

7. Las Vegas Golf Courses Ban Shouting “Fore!” to Woo Superstitious Asian Customers

See, some Asian cultures consider the number four bad luck. “Fore,” in golf, sounds a lot like the number four. Hey, we didn’t say this was our “Top 10 Most Popular Stories Because They’re Clever or Make Any Sense Whatsoever.”

Hotels often skip floors numbered in the 40s due to this superstition.

6. Downtown Grand’s Marketing Takes a Shocking New Direction

We had some fun at Downtown Grand’s expense, but we’re happy to report they’re slowly getting their act together. We’re also happy to report they have a good sense of humor over at Downtown Grand, because nobody’s shown up at our doorstep to whack us. Yet.

Downtown Grand
New slogan: “Selectively turning the meh into pretty good, as time allows.”

5. Medical Authorities Warn Criss Angel’s Spike TV Series Causes Blindness in Children, Elderly

Magician Criss Angel has legions of die-hard fans. There should probably be a medication for that.

Criss Angel
Criss Angel is the new Siegfried & Roy, without the benefit of a Montecore.

4. Caesars Entertainment Announces Bake Sale to Address Massive Debt

Of all our fake news stories in 2013, this one turned out to be the most surreal. After poking a little fun at Caesars Entertainment for its massive debt with what we felt was wild exaggeration, a week later the casino giant actually held what amounted to a garage sale. Our year was made.

Bake sale
In this case, the truth ended up being nearly as strange as our fiction.

3. SkyVue Wheel Project Unveils Mascot, Tiny the Tumbleweed

We’ve talked a lot about the High Roller Ferris wheel coming to The Linq, but there was supposed to be another observation wheel, SkyVue. Mired in financial problems, SkyVue will never become a reality, but it’ll always have a fake mascot that did. Yes, there’s even Tiny the Tumbleweed gear.

Tiny the Tumbleweed
Tiny is easily the best thing to have come out of the SkyVue fiasco.

2. The Quad Leaks Rendering of New Name: The Oontz

Rumors persist that The Quad Las Vegas will be getting a new name. We sort of skipped ahead to the big announcement.

Oontz Hotel Las Vegas
Weirder things have happened. See also: Naming Things is Hard.

1. Outraged Grammarians Picket The Cosmopolitan, Claim “Rose.Rabbit.Lie. is the Last Straw”

Yes, this was our most popular fake news story of 2013, viewed more than 9,000 times. Apparently, people are as riled up about random punctuation as we are.

“What do we want?” “Fake news stories about a grammarians union!” “When do we want it?” “We presume that was rhetorical!”

Our favorite runners-up that didn’t quite make the top 10: Experts Claim “Sirens of TI” May Not Be Historically Accurate, Las Vegas Hottie Shortage May Result in State of Emergency and Cirque du Soleil Official Confesses “We Don’t Know What Our Shows Are About Either.”

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read and share our fake news in 2013, and we hope to brazenly B.S. our way through 2014, too.