Fontainebleau Snags Bigtime DJ David Guetta

Fontainebleau has acquired the services of superstar DJ David Guetta for a two-year residency starting in 2025.

The CEO of Fontainebleau Jeffrey Soffer said, “David is a once-in-a-generation talent who embodies the charisma and class that defines the Fontainebleau brand.”

Guetta (56) may be a “once-in-a-generation talent,” but it’s unclear which generation we’re talking about. Awkward.

The A.I. images of DJs are impressive, but we asked for one with a random racoon on his head just to keep things interesting.

Still, Guetta is a big name and rest assured Fontainebleau paid a pretty penny for his services. He’ll also perform at Fontainebleau Miami Beach.

Guetta has sold 50 million records worldwide and is among the most-streamed artists on Spotify. For the olds, Spotify is like radio, but without all the annoying car  dealership commercials. He has two Grammy awards (with 13 nominations) and was voted the world’s best DJ in British DJ Magazine’s “Top 100” four times.

Before we go too far, we should probably clarify how David Guetta’s name is pronounced. We’ll let Graham Norton (a popular talk show host in the U.K.) handle this one.

Guetta and everyone else pronounces it more like “getta.” He’s French, if that helps.

Guetta joins another superstar DJ, Tiesto, at Fontainebleau. Yes, we were the first to share Tiesto’s residency at Fontainebleau, before it was announced. We ruin everything.

Yes, David Guetta was a resident DJ at Wynn Las Vegas for a decade, and Tiesto was a resident DJ at Resorts World.

At least Fontainebleau has finally put accusations of poaching to rest. Long story.

We’re sure Fontainebleau’s horticulture department has some aloe on standby for that burn.

They should probably give some aloe to David Guetta because we’re bound to make mention of the fact he has the worst hairpiece in the DJ world. Did you actually think that racoon was “random”? Do you know this blog at all? We invented snark. We didn’t trademark it because it was our gift to the world.

When we invented snark, and the Snarky the Racoon mascot, there was no A.I., so these logos were all designed by children in sweat shops. People were a lot less judgmental back then.

We quickly realized “raccoon” didn’t even remotely rhyme with snark, so we tried a shark mascot.

Snark has become so common, the literary device we invented is now considered “public domain,” like “crock pot” and “chapstick” and “kerfuffle.”

Following those disappointing attempts, we hosted some focus groups and realized the best symbol for snark might be a bird.

Larks are known for their songs but also their snappy comebacks on Twitter. Which used to be represented by a bird. Just saying.

Oh, it got bad. The children, it seems, had run out of ideas.

This is the exact moment we decided to let snark fall into the public domain.

Here’s some Guetta chatter from February 2024.

Anyway, Fontainebleau has undeniably deep pockets. The problem is the resort is losing $400,000 a day.

Paying exorbitant fees for DJs was a thing at one time, but turned a corner in Las Vegas with the implosion of Kaos at Palms. Not literally, but close.

The revenue generated from DJ residencies has to exceed the cost to make sense. At Kaos, it didn’t pencil out. The pain was so acute, Kaos closed, lawsuits ensued and Station Casinos threw in the towel by selling Palms to the San Manuel tribe.

As Fontainebleau has struggled to get its footing, it’s been up and down for LIV Nightclub and LIV Beach. The resort inherited the design of the nightclub and dayclub (resort construction began in 2007, when dayclubs weren’t even a thing), and some have suggested capacity is playing a part in the challenges facing the resort and nightlife partner, David Grutman and his Groot Hospitality.

Recent bookings at LIV (pronounced “liv,” like Tyler, not “live”) have drawn a crowd that doesn’t always mesh with the “charisma and class that define the Fontainebleau brand.”

Shame on asshat cowards who charisma someone in the head when they’re on the ground.

Fontainebleau didn’t share a dollar amount for the Guetta residency, but give us a minute. We’re sure everything will be fine. In spite of the fact David Guetta may not have heard Fontainebleau could be given the boot by its financial backer Koch Real Estate sometime next year when interest payments to financial institutions are due.

Overall, though, things are looking up at Fontainebleau, especially with a well-regarded president, Maurice Wooden (license approval pending), and Fontainebleau’s quiet break-up with Peter Arnell, the former Chief Brand and Design Officer for Fontainebleau Development.

Arnell has been a major source of internal friction at Fontainebleau, and you’ll remember him from his involvement with “the worst rebrand in history.”

We continue to root for Fontainebleau, but paying ungodly amounts to superstar DJs seems like an era that’s come and gone. A lot of what’s happening at Fontainebleau seems to lack currency, literally and figuratively.

Paul Anka and Justin Timberlake opened the place, all due respect to Paul Anka. Paul Anka called us the other day. He’s one of the coolest celebrities we’ve ever interacted with, but mentioned if we shared what he said, we’d be whacked. We might be paraphrasing, but we have no reason to disbelieve him.

They paid Justin Timberlake $6 million.

As with high-priced beat-droppers, Timberlake’s fee seems out of whack with the return on investment. Especially when you consider the fact Timberlake stayed at Wynn on Fontainebleau’s opening night. The glorious drama.

The same might be said about R.O.I. for the $3.7 billion Fontainebleau itself. It has a big nut, and the nut’s only going to get bigger in 2025.

Which, as you’re no doubt aware, is what she said.