15 Skull-Jarring Moments From the Grand Bazaar Shops at Bally’s News Release

After at least a year of everyone knowing about the planned Grand Bazaar Shops mall at Bally’s Las Vegas, Caesars Entertainment has finally made it official. In a news release resplendent with adjectives and flights of fancy, it’s been announced the Grand Bazaar Shops will open in the fall of 2014.

We previously wrote about the potential retinal hemorrhaging likely to ensue.

Grand Bazaar Shops Las Vegas
We are not kidding.

Since there’s no way to improve upon the official news release, we’re just going to list 10 memorable moments that should help you immerse yourself in the game-changing Grand Bazaar Shops experience.

1. “Las Vegas is all about experiences.”

Isn’t it, though? We’re off to an incredible start!

2. “And what the Vegas Strip has long needed is a major retail destination which truly redefines the shopping experience.”

This is exactly, precisely what the Vegas Strip has needed. From what we can tell, though, the Grand Bazaar Shops are likely to redefine the Las Vegas shopping experience as a “collection of kiosks selling sunglasses and dresses you can wear 100 ways.”

3. “Grand Bazaar Shops is an innovative, uniquely merchandised venue that will give Las Vegas its first truly urban shopping scene.”

We trust “uniquely merchandised” means “having people talk about how mind-numbingly ugly it is.”

4. “Grand Bazaar Shops is an outdoor shopping mecca that resonates with the city’s reputation for exciting, immersive experiences.”

This sentence is why we keep our computer keyboard covered in plastic sheeting, in case our head should spontaneously explode.

Grand Bazaar Shops
The technical name for what you’re feeling is “gastroesophageal reflux.”

5. “Along with a breadth of food, dining and bar venues, Grand Bazaar Shops blends the old and the new like a fine spice mix.”

We’re going to need thicker plastic sheets.

6. Helping redefine the iconic Las Vegas skyline with a new, must-see experience will be a spectacular Swarovski Crystal Starburst towering over the brand’s store, with a midnight spectacle of lights and music that will make every night feel like New Year’s Eve at the heart of the Las Vegas Strip.”

One New Year’s Eve on The Strip a year is plenty, thanks.

7. “With Grand Bazaar Shops, we aim to marry recent developments in retail, which have seen smaller, more unique and interactive stores in a variety of shopping environments.”

Translation: Kiosks with smartphone cases.

8. “Grand Bazaar Shops will be a new, visually distinctive feature of the Strip, its aesthetically beautiful mosaic-patterned rooftops designed to resemble the colorful, undulating roofs of classic bazaars, inspired by those in Europe and worldwide.”

Some days, the comedy gods just smile upon us.

9. The project is being built at the busiest intersection in the city – Las Vegas Boulevard and Flamingo Road, across from the Bellagio fountains.

And trust us, the folks at the Bellagio are super excited to see this view when they awake each day on their dream vacation.

Grand Bazaar Shops
“Honey, let’s skip the dancing fountains and Conservatory. I want to be photographed riding a magic carpet in front of a green screen!”

10. “We believe that this ideal location, combined with a highly compelling concept and a strong group of tenants, puts us in a position to create compelling value for our investors.”

The secret to any successful endeavor is, as you know, a commitment to serving the needs of your customers. Wait, investors. Serving the needs of your investors. We always get those mixed up.

11. “Its unparalleled location will offer our tenants outstanding sales and brand extension opportunities and its collection of unique retail, food and beverage concepts will make Grand Bazaar Shops one of the most attractive new destinations in Las Vegas.”

See #10, and please define “attractive.”

12. “Many tenants are the first of their kind in Las Vegas, the United States or worldwide.”

Define “first.”

13. “At approximately 23,000-square-feet, more than a third of the project is dedicated to restaurant and bar concepts as well as food stores, such as five separate shops from American chef Sam Marvin offering artisanal cupcakes, ice cream, macaroons, meats and spices.

Grand Bazaar tee
Now, this we would buy.

14. “As a salute to the rich heritage and unique entrepreneurial spirit that will be brilliantly highlighted at Grand Bazaar Shops of Las Vegas, Swarovski is excited to unleash the brilliance of its crystal to light the skies above this marketplace of tomorrow.”

Is it too late to invest in companies that make plastic sheeting? Seriously.

15. “Grand Bazaar Shops at Bally’s Las Vegas will offer an engaging new experience, at the heart of the Las Vegas Strip, for the myriad of visitors interested in unique shopping and dining concepts.”

Oh, it’s unique all right! Then again, every oil spill is unique, too.

If you have a grudge against your eyes, learn more about the Grand Bazaar Shops at Bally’s Las Vegas. And please join us in asking why the folks behind the Grand Bazaar Shops couldn’t be the same geniuses behind the SkyVue observation wheel.

Will be be stopping by the Grand Bazaar Shops at Bally’s for photos when it opens? You bet your artisanal cupcakes.